There I was lying next to her and I was thinking to myself; ‘there’s no place else I’d rather be’ I put a hand around her and drew her reluctant body to mine. I listened to her talk in that dreamy voice of hers. This was heaven, I was thinking.
Gosh there are times I think of how my life will be if we got married. What our kids would look like. What type of life we would lead. My future with her in it looked so bright.
I don’t remember what we were talking about, but her next question caught me off guard. ‘Why are you torturing yourself?’ I don’t think I’ll ever forget that question. She had asked me that before and I had not answered cos I needed to see her to answer her. To look in her eyes and answer her.
So I asked her, why she thought I was torturing myself and she went into details on how she sees me as just a friend, a brother even! That she liked me but not the way I wanted and she said the one thing I didn’t want to hear; I have a boy I am into. She didn’t say it like that, she kinda implied it. I looked in her mischievous eyes, can’t really say what I saw, but I just felt if she wanted me out of her life that bad, why not indulge her?
All the while she spoke, I didn’t fret, I didn’t fuss. Because she said she had a boyfriend and I wanted her happy, what could I do make her love me? She clearly wasn’t gonna. If the guy made her happy, so be it. As long as she was happy.
Truth be told, it hurt like crap she had somebody who made her giddy and it was not me. It also hurt that I was just about to miss out on an amazing person and that I’d never get to share certain special moments with her. What would happen to my dreams and hopes for us two or the wonderful moments we shared together? Were they lies, was my the chemistry I felt false and mixed up?
Was I a fool to have read all her signs wrong or was there something else up here?
For someone who had spent 3 years running away from any form of relationship, I knew there was no way I was wrong but then I was tired of fighting a losing battle. I wasn’t a beggar and I deserved my own happiness.
And that moment when she said ‘I have a boyfriend’ it was the most liberating moment of my life. 6 months I was stuck in something that was heading no way and those 4 words lifted a burden so heavy I almost felt like floating.
I left her feeling that my world just imploded, but there was still hope. She had given me something I had lost and I knew I was stronger for it. So I was happy. I lost her but I gained my groove back, my self esteem was back to normal and for the first time I really felt I could do anything if I wanted.
I still miss her, I still wanna call her. But I gotta move on.
She asked me why do I torture myself? Well that’s what you do when you love someone. That’s what you do when you want something bad enough. You torture yourself so much to remind yourself you are worth that thing and that when you get it you won’t let your suffering go to waste. So yes babe, that’s what you do, you torture yourself.
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