This article was written by Tracy
McMillan for Huffington Post.
Thing is, Tracy has been married
three times, so she’s kind of an
expert in men, marriage etc. If
only she’d had read, How To Get
Married and Stay Married when
she was much younger…:-). Oh
well, read her article and share
your thoughts afterwards
This is why you’re not married by
Tracy McMillan:

You want to get married. It’s
taken a while to admit it.
Saying it out loud — even in your
mind — feels kind of desperate,
kind of unfeminist, kind of
definitely not you, or at least
not any you that you recognize.
Because you’re hardly like those
girls on TLC saying yes to the
dress and you would never
compete for a man like those
poor actress-wannabes on The
Continue reading…
You’ve never dreamt of an aqua-
blue ring box. Then, something
happened. Another birthday,
maybe. A breakup. Your
brother’s wedding. His wife-elect
asked you to be a bridesmaid, and
suddenly there you were,
wondering how in hell you came to
be 36-years-old, walking down the
aisle wearing something halfway
decent from J. Crew that you
could totally repurpose with a cute
pair of boots and a jean jacket.
You started to hate the bride —
she was so effing happy — and for
the first time ever you began to
have feelings about the fact that
you’re not married. You never
really cared that much before.
But suddenly (it was so sudden)
you found yourself wondering…
Deep, deep breath… Why you’re
not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to
this: I’ve been married three
times. Yes, three. To a very nice
MBA at 19; a very nice minister’s
son at 32 (and pregnant); and at
40, to a very nice liar and cheater
who was just like my dad, if my
dad had gone to Harvard instead
of doing multiple stints in federal
I was, for some reason, born
knowing how to get married.
Growing up in foster care is a big
part of it. The need for security
made me look for very specific
traits in the men I dated — traits
it turns out lead to marriage a
surprisingly high percentage of
the time. Without really trying
to, I’ve become a sort of jailhouse
lawyer of relationships — someone
who’s had to do so much work on
her own case that I can now help
you with yours.
But I won’t lie. The problem is not
men, it’s you. Sure, there are
lame men out there, but they’re
not really standing in your way.
Because the fact is — if whatever
you’re doing right now was going to
get you married, you’d already
have a ring on. So without
further ado, let’s look at the top
six reasons why you’re not

1. You’re a Bitch: Here’s
what I mean by bitch. I mean
you’re angry. You probably don’t
think you’re angry. You think
you’re super smart, or if you’ve
been to a lot of therapy, that
you’re setting boundaries. But the
truth is you’re pissed. At your
mom. At the military-industrial
complex. At Sarah Palin. And it’s
scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want
to marry someone who is nice to
them. I am the mother of a 13-
year-old boy, which is like living
with the single-cell protozoa
version of a husband. Here’s what
my son wants out of life: macaroni
and cheese, a video game, and Kim
Kardashian. Have you ever seen
Kim Kardashian angry? I didn’t
think so. You’ve seen Kim
Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make
a sex tape. Female anger terrifies
men. I know it seems unfair that
you have to work around a man’s
fear and insecurity in order to get
married — but actually, it’s
perfect, since working around a
man’s fear and insecurity is big
part of what you’ll be doing as a

2. You’re Shallow: When it
comes to choosing a husband, only
one thing really, truly matters:
character. So it stands to reason
that a man’s character should be
at the top of the list of things you
are looking for, right? But if
you’re not married, I already know
it isn’t. Because if you were
looking for a man of character,
you would have found one by now.
Men of character are, by
definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for
someone tall. Or rich. Or
someone who knows what an
Eames chair is. Unfortunately,
this is not the thinking of a wife.
This is the thinking of a teenaged
girl. And men of character do not
want to marry teenaged girls.
Because teenage girls are never
happy. And they never feel like
cooking, either.

3. You’re a Slut: Hooking up
with some guy in a hot tub on a
rooftop is fine for the ladies of
Jersey Shore — but they’re not
trying to get married. You are.
Which means, unfortunately, that
if you’re having sex outside
committed relationships, you will
have to stop. Why? Because past
a certain age, casual sex is like
recreational heroin — it doesn’t
stay recreational for long.
That’s due in part to this thing
called oxytocin — a bonding
hormone that is released when a
woman a) nurses her baby and b)
has an orgasm — that will totally
mess up your casual-sex game.
It’s why you can be f**k-buddying
with some dude who isn’t even all
that great and the next thing you
know, you’re totally strung out on
him. And you have no idea how it
happened. Oxytocin, that’s how it
happened. And since nature can’t
discriminate between marriage
material and Charlie Sheen, you’re
going to have to start being way
more selective than you are right

4. You’re a Liar: It usually
goes something like this: you meet
a guy who is cute and likes you, but
he’s not really available for a
relationship. He has some
condition that absolutely
precludes his availability, like he’s
married, or he gets around town
on a skateboard. Or maybe he
just comes right out and says
something cryptic and open to
interpretation like, “I’m not really
available for a relationship right
You know if you tell him the truth
— that you’re ready for marriage
— he will stop calling. Usually that
day. And you don’t want that. So
you just tell him how perfect this
is because you only want to have
sex for fun! You love having fun
sex! And you don’t want to get in
a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the
oxytocin kicks in. You start
wanting more. But you don’t tell
him that. That’s your secret —
just between you and 22,000 of
your closest girlfriends. Instead,
you hang around, having sex with
him, waiting for him to figure out
that he can’t live without you. I
have news: he will never “figure”
this out. He already knows he can
live without you just fine. And so
do you. Or you wouldn’t be lying to
him in the first place.

5. You’re Selfish: If you’re
not married, chances are you think
a lot about you. You think about
your thighs, your outfits, your
naso-labial folds. You think about
your career, or if you don’t have
one, you think about doing yoga
teacher training. Sometimes you
think about how marrying a
wealthy guy — or at least a guy
with a really, really good job —
would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a
halfway decent one, does not
spend most of her day thinking
about herself. She has too much
s**t to do, especially after having
kids. This is why you see a lot of
celebrity women getting husbands
after they adopt. The kids put
the woman on notice: Bitch, hello!
It’s not all about you anymore!
After a year or two of thinking
about someone other than herself,
suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison
Ford comes along and decides to
significantly other her. Which is
also to say — if what you really
want is a baby, go get you one.
Your husband will be along
shortly. Motherhood has a way of
weeding out the lotharios.

6. You’re Not Good Enough:
Oh, I don’t think that. You do. I
can tell because you’re not looking
for a partner who is your equal.
No, you want someone better than
you are: better looking, better
family, better job.
Here is what you need to know:
You are enough right this minute.
Period. Not understanding this is
a major obstacle to getting
married, since women who don’t
know their own worth make
terrible wives. Why? You can
fake it for a while, but ultimately
you won’t love your spouse any
better than you love yourself.
Smart men know this.
I see this at my son’s artsy,
progressive school. Of 183 kids,
maybe six have moms who are as
cute as you’re trying to be.
They’re attractive, sure. They’re
just not objects. Their husbands
(wisely) chose them for their
character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that’s the bad news.
The good news is that I believe
every woman who wants to can
find a great partner. You’re just
going to need to get rid of the
idea that marriage will make you
happy. It won’t. Once the initial
high wears off, you’ll just be you,
except with twice as much
Because ultimately, marriage is not
about getting something — it’s
about giving it. Strangely, men
understand this more than we do.
Probably because for them
marriage involves sacrificing their
most treasured possession — a
free-agent penis — and for us, it’s
the culmination of a princess
fantasy so universal, it built
Disney land.
The bottom line is that marriage is
just a long-term opportunity to
practice loving someone even when
they don’t deserve it. Because
most of the time, your messy,
farting, macaroni-and-cheese
eating man will not be doing what
you want him to. But as you give
him love anyway — because you
have made up your mind to
transform yourself into a person
who is practicing being kind, deep,
virtuous, truthful, giving, and most
of all, accepting of your own dear
self — you will find that you will
experience the very thing you
wanted all along:

Tracy McMillan is a TV writer
whose credits include Mad Men
and The United States of Tara.
Her memoir I Love You and I’m
Leaving You Anyway is now
available in paperback from
Harper Collins/It Books. She lives
in Los Angeles with her 13-year-
old son.

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.


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