I know some of you may have watched that movie Invention of Lie, starring Jennifer Garner, where people never lied and everybody spoke the truth. That was till a guy mistakenly lied and was surprised everybody believed him, even the most flimsy of lies! The movie was a fun watch, you might want to watch it, but if you don’t, well you didn’t miss much.
Onto my reasoning for writing my first blog in more than a month. MC.
That was his name; MC (not his real name). I swear to God, if you think the devil is a liar, then you obviously haven’t met MC. Choi!!! That guy can lie!!! And he does it with such ingenuity that he’d beat any lie detector and would leave our politicians in awe.
First let me describe MC. He is built like a boxer; broad shoulders, muscled arms and legs, with a face of an eighteen year old. And that’s another thing, his age. No one knows his real age, I doubt even his father knows his real age. In all the years I have known him, he has celebrated his birthday on more than one month; only person I know born on several months.
And another thing, despite his build, MC is intelligent and a gentle man. Kind, generous, cheerful, a very infectious laugh and he CAN LIE! You can’t name all his qualities and not put that. It’s like saying Nicki Minaj has a great voice, beautiful eyes and without mentioning her BIG booty; you gotta put that there.
And he is a scaredy cat.
I have so many stories of his LIEscapades (not a real word, I know) but I will just let you in on the one lie that made me forever certain, I was never gonna believe a word from his mouth again.
Rewind to the 2008/9 I don’t remember exactly, but I know it was during the prelude to the Anambra gubernatorial election that saw Soludo erstwhile Governor of CBN vie for the guber seat.
Well one evening, I was just lying in bed, no light, so I had turned in early. I woke up to the sound of voices talking excitedly, I got up to find out what the fuss was about.
I found MC and Champion (also not his real name) surrounded by neighbors with ears perked up. The story tellers were telling stories of politicians, campaign and money. At the mention of money, I took a seat. As an Igbo boy concerned, I no wan carry last.
So the chief story teller; who else but MC, was talking about how he and Champ had just come from a political banquet, that had OBJ, Akunyili and so on in attendance. They gave a vivid description of the decor, what they ate, what people did and said.
The way he spoke and was backed up by Champ, we swallowed everything; hook, line, sinker and even his hand.
They had wined, dined and hobnobbed with the PDP elites after which they were called aside by Soludo’s campaign manager and asked to recruit youths who would campaign for the mighty Soludo.
I remember getting so excited, my brain churned out a little slogan: ‘Soludo, Solution’ they cheered ‘yes! That’s perfect we would use that.’
We were gonna be picked up by a bus, sent specially for us, taken to Ontisha, were we would; of course dressed in marked regalia go around promoting Soludo and soliciting support for his cause, at the end of which we would be paid 5k, everyday for three weeks! And we were to be fed too! Writing this now, I realize you’d be thinking only a fool would have believed his yearn, but then again you never met MC
I did the math, BIG MONEY. In my mind, I had changed my wardrobe, bought a TV set, changed my phone. Oh boy!!! See money oh!!!!
Best part was, we were to start the very next day.
Everyone of us present had decided to skip school at the news. School can wait, see money!!
We all went to bed excited, my best pal Atom, I bet he went to bed with the ‘chi ching‘ sound in his head. Me all I saw was a new wardrobe, new kicks, I go kill people with my swag!!!
Morning came, as usual I laid out what I’d wear for the day, brushed, shaved and bathed. I wanted to go write a quiz in school, then off to Onitsha.
All the while I was preparing, MC who happened to be my roomie at the time was also preparing in earnest and with haste. After a while he stopped and said: ‘Skelo make I tell you true, na lie I talk. We no go anywhere.’ All the while laughing that his wicked Tom and Jerry laugh. ‘ Abeg no tell them Atom till I comot, them go kill me, as you see me now I get FEG test now, now.’ With that he dashed out of the house.
CHOOOIIII!!! See scam!!!! In an instant all the goodies I had planned to buy disappeared ‘fiam’ like film trick. I could not comprehend, nna the ground no come level again. As in, the guy FALL my hand scatter!!
Where funny pass na say Atom waka enter my side, come ask: ‘where MC?’ I reply ‘e don comot’ Na there guy man no say na film trick choi!!! Atom collapse for my bed! Dey lament like person wey him babe leave am.
The person wey the thing do pass na IK, wey go borrow money, rush comot house as early as 6.30 to photocopy school ID and snap passport and him no hold SHI -SHI again for pocket.
When I tell am, he come dey think say we wan job am. When e come sink in, he no know whether to vex or cry. Next thing he scatter for ground SHOUT: ‘MC don kill me!!! Money wey I no get. Abeg who go borrow me money go lectures?!’
Wetin pain me pass na my pineapple wey I comot make we chop use celebrate money wey go come, CHAI!!! Pineapple wey I for settle down shop on my own, belleful.
After that day, if MC mess we go wait to smell am to make sure say na true.
This na my own story, ask him babes them their own, you go know say my own dey learn.