It is something most men suffer from but are ashamed to talk about, I for one know I suffered from it throughout my teenage years and early into my twenties but slowly I was able to overcome it; don’t ask me how or when it happened, I just know one day I woke up and I wasn’t afraid anymore.
As long as I can remember, I had always being shy not just around the opposite sex but every other person that wasn’t family. As I write this, I am sure there are a lot of girls from my old neighborhood who think I am stuck up and a snub, not knowing I was suffering from a debilitating case of shyness! I would be talking, happy and excited but once I got in the presence of an opposite sex, I became ice cold!
I grew up shy and having to attend an all boys school didn’t help, as I believe a co-ed school would have aided in schooling me on how to act around girls.
I could have gone to the internet and copy and pasted one of the many ‘how to’ articles on Google, but I thought a first hand knowledge would go a long way in helping you.
I don’t have a tailor made step by step guide to overcoming your shyness, I just know the things I used to do before that I don’t anymore.
Lemme start by saying the movie Hitch starring Will Smith is an awesome ‘how to’ guide to meeting women.
Here are some of the problems I faced and how I overcame it, maybe you have faced the same problems maybe not. Anyways here they are:
1. Not knowing what to say.
One of the biggest problems in meeting new people is not knowing what to say. You meet a person and you are stuck with the dilemma of what to say, what to ask, the right way to go about them. I have found that it helps to start with a simple greeting and then a compliment, both act as an ice breaker and often set the tone of the conversations.
Which brings me to number 2. Study a person before you approach them!
Almost everybody you meet is fighting a private ‘demon’ within, it helps to be sure that a person you plan to approach, wants to be approached or at best wants to talk. First of all start with a ‘hi’, if the reply is brusque, that is a warning. You thread softly, try again. Try a compliment, if you get the same reaction, my brother pack up shop, that market won’t sell. Try another day.
Also it helps to be able to read people, know a friendly face and the not so friendly face. Some females would wear a scowl in public as a defense mechanism, be able to tell them apart from those whose faces are just a permanent scowl; those ones will bite your ear off, me I don’t go near them. How can you tell the difference? Watch them interact with their environment, then you can decide.
3. Avoid placing the girl you wanna approach on a pedestal, often times we put women on a pedestal so high, we put them out of our reach; meanwhile that same girl is waiting for us to make a move. Recently I heard a guy talking about the reasons why he hadn’t asked his crush; who happened to be his close friend out, and they just irked me! He had placed the girl on such high a pedestal, that by the time he got around to reaching her, she would have had kids, who have had kids!
Remember this anytime you see a girl, she poops and farts just like you! She is human and has human cravings like you, so don’t bother building that pedestal.
Don’t get me wrong, EVERY woman deserves to be treated like a princess but always remember not to let your insecurities and excuses get in your way.
4.Fear of rejection
This is one fear all shy guys share, the fear of their advances being rebuffed. They fear being embarrassed when they walk up to a woman, but someone said something to me recently, ‘when you walk up to a girl, two things might happen: she either says yes or she says no.’ You think people who go bungee jumping don’t know that the bungee cord might snap? They that if they succeed, they are in for the jump of their lives, but if they fail……. My point is you would never try anything if you feared you were gonna fail. The trick is throw caution to the wind and just say ‘hi’, whatever the outcome, do not let it define you, do not let it affect you, there is always another day.
4.1. Another mistake men make is that the moment they meet a woman, they immediately enter ‘chyking’ (wooing)mode, chasing the woman away! Often times you just have to ease into it, you don’t tell a woman the moment you meet her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You could always leave her with ‘I would love to hang out sometime.’ Then proceed to asking for her number.
That scene from the movie Hitch were Hitch walks up to Eva Mendes’ character in the club, saves her from a pest and sweeps her off her with his smooth talk and suave. Then just when he has her where he wants her, he leaves!
*please note these advices do not apply to what I like to call ‘waka for road’ chyking. I never mastered that art. This applies to cases where you know you see the girl often.
5. Keep her interested.
When Will Smith has Gabrielle Suarez eating from his hands, he just up and left, only to call her up the next day and ask her out! Gabrielle was intrigued because Smith’s character didn’t ask her out when she thought he would. Keep the girl interested, most times we play all our cards at once while trying to impress the girl we like, but we should leave some information for later. That way you don’t lose your appeal and she doesn’t lose her interest.
6. Be persistent but do not be a pest.
Walking up to a woman is like going for sales, you got to convince her you are a merchandise she would want to buy. So when you try to start a conversation and she is not overly forthcoming, press on. Be cocky but be careful not to come off as arrogant. Also know when to cut your losses, she might not be interested in your merchandise, someone else might, so do not let it bring you down.
7. Know how to carry a conversation.
Saying hi is all fine and good but what you say after that matters too. Let’s say you are in a bus and you want to strike up a conversation with the girl next to you, the conversation might go like this: ‘Hey, nice perfume you are wearing.’ Compliment something about her. ‘Thank you.’ She would say. ‘What’s it called?’ She will answer. Then take a breather before asking things like where she is going, what she does for a living, what school she went to. Just know that with each answer comes a follow up question. Be careful not to pry too deep into her life else she shuts you out and with that any chance you might have had with her.
8. It also helps to be in tune with your feminine side. How did I do this? Well I was lucky to be blessed with five beautiful sisters and a load of equally beautiful female cousins, so it was kind of easy for me to ease out of my shell. Having a lot of female friends too also helps. If you have a lot of female friends, it will help you learn how to act around them and how they think.
8. Always wear a smile, you don’t know who is watching, that girl who you have being having sleepless nights might have spotted you a number of times, sat alone and wearing a scowl which many shy guys were like a mask and she might be thinking you are a snub.
‘On any given day, any guy can get any girl’
Those were the words of Dr Hitchings and they are ever so true! Any man can get any girl, with the right attitude and packaging! Packaging here means your demeanor and attitude.
Note that this might work for some people and the exact opposite will work for another, this is me giving advice from my own experience.