I hear you are married now, I saw your pictures on Facebook and I must admit you make a beautiful bride. The smile on your face, the way the bridal gown flowed around you in its floral majesty reminded me of the dreams I had of walking down the aisle with you.
I remember the first day I met you, I still remember every detail down to the way you smelt, if I close my eyes long enough I still remember your smile; that magical smile that had me weak in the knee but they were not what I loved most about you. I loved the sound of your voice, the cheeriness in it; it could awaken emotion in me that I didn’t even know I was capable of. I remember that one evening after AC Milan empathically dispatched Man United in the Champions league, I came home feeling depressed and couldn’t eat, you said in that tone that always made me listen, “Those guys do not even know you exist, they will get their pay despite the loss and you want to starve yourself to death….”
I remember that one time we and a couple of my friends had gone out for drinks and fun and in the middle of a conversation you kissed me out of nowhere; even though you weren’t too much into PDA. I felt like a king then, I could see the envy in the eyes of my friends and I loved it, as a kid, those types of things mattered. Do they matter these days?
I cherish every moment we spent together, I loved how you made me feel but one thing I do not cherish is how “small” you made me feel, I hated how inadequate I felt around you, I hated how much I had to work to feel worthy of you. I hate how bitter I have become since you; I hate how suspicious I have become; reading meaning into every move a girl makes! I hate that I have become so insecure that I always think a girl wants to take advantage of me. Most of all I hate how confrontational I have become these days, I never let anything lie especially if it was done by the opposite sex, just so she doesn’t “get one over me”.
You ruined me! Before you I was the unassuming guy who loved life and took in everything at face value, now I am scared to even try anything! You hurt me so bad, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I didn’t date anyone seriously, for five years after you; that is how unsure I was of myself after you made me feel foolish for loving you.
I don’t know if I will ever be completely whole again, I don’t know if I would ever let a woman into my heart again or immerse myself totally into one again. But one thing is for sure, I never want to feel that wrenching pain in my heart or hear that crumbling sound when you walked away into the sunlight with my bleeding heart leaving a trail of blood in its wake.
But do I regret loving you? Nope, I wouldn’t know what I know today if it wasn’t for you. I don’t know if you would ever read this but I hope some of the girls from my past and in the future would read this and hopefully understand why I am the way I am.