Society seems to think that the pressure to get married weighs only on the female folk, fortunately or unfortunately that is largely false as even men are under pressure to get married, even though the pressure on them by the society is considerably less.
I was at a wedding yesterday with a friend, that had his parents in attendance and the moment his parents’ friends saw him, I could literally feel their mouths begin to salivate as they said ‘He is next’; alluding to the fact that his was the next wedding they would be attending. This is a guy who is having a hard time finding a girlfriend, talk more of a wife; story for another day.
You know what the main topic was after my mom’s funeral? My marriage! In varying degrees ranging from a date to who and where I could marry from. No one asked me if I even I had a girlfriend; no one.
If you are a single guy reading this, then you know the constant ‘hassle’ or do I say ritual, after each wedding; especially a friend’s, of having the questions asked who the next guy to get married would be. The way we dodge that question is almost akin to the way vampires dodge holy water or garlic. The truth is we all wanna get married but we are not in a hurry because marriage is a big deal. Talking about weddings, you realize how many of our childhood friends and classmates who have all gotten married or are getting married, at this rate there would not be any best men left for our wedding; when we are ready.
THE MAGIC IS NOT IN GETTING MARRIED BUT IN STAYING MARRIED.
I must admit I have always loved the idea of getting married to that special person; that illusive being the world has come to know as ‘the one’, I even created an image of her in my mind as a teenager, LOL, what can I say, I was a hopeless romantic, still think I am. But as you grow older, you realize that you have to adjust your dreams to the realities of time.
My parents had an amazing marriage, if I must say so, so why should I desire something less? As you grow older you understand that looks alone does not scratch the surface of a marriage, it requires so much more substance, substance that often are not on display till you actually get to know a person.
I am a difficult and complex person, I work hard everyday to chisel those parts of me that make me ‘annoying’ as my kid sister is wont to say, so I often find that I look for a partner who can handle my crazy and I hers.
I blame the internet and movies for this modern day fixation with weddings, everywhere you look there is a grandiose wedding. Grooms and grooms men in smart suits and brides in flowing, sparkly gowns that run for miles, the bridesmaids with the matching gorgeous gowns and make-ups that puts Mona Lisa to shame, then there are the exquisite wedding cakes that often times reach the roof! I have a friend who though is happily married, still spends ALL day scouring the internet looking at bridal pages and fantasizing and planning a vow renewal.
People of my generation often forget that the glamour and glitz of a wedding lasts for only a day but a marriage is what lasts a lifetime or at least should last a lifetime. Your wedding could be worth a million dollars while your marriage is worth less than a Zimbabwean dollar.
Marriage is hard work, anyone who says otherwise is a bloody liar! This is what I understand marriage to be and I will be speaking from my own perspective and understanding. Marriage is finding one woman/man amongst a million and deciding to spend the rest of your life with her/him. It is about loving a woman even after she has lost that Coca cola bottle figure that first attracted you to her or loving a man despite his six packs fading into a beer pack. It is about loving her when she is bloated and heavy with your child and you still look at her and see her as who she is; the woman after your heart.
It is about loving your man even though he forgets the little things but can always be counted on when it really matters. It is about going out; everyday, into the world filled with beautiful women and deciding to go home to the woman who accepted you for who you are (for most men this part is one of the hardest). Marriage is constantly screaming at the top of your voice at a grown woman/man knowing that tomorrow the circle will repeat itself. Marriage for me is lying next to that one woman every night despite the constant fights, knowing she loves you and you love her back and that everything would work out fine in due time. Marriage is loving your wife through the smell of baby poop and ogiri.
The trick is finding your perfect match, the one person you sync with, it must not be based solely on wealth or looks because those often fade with time, it should be based on qualities of more substance than these often superficial qualities. Like they say, if you marry a guy/woman for his/her money or beauty, remember what you married for when the marriage starts to go sideways, because he/she cheats or cannot cook.
So next time you ask me why I do not have a girlfriend or when I am getting married, this is going to be my answer: ‘when I get married, I plan on staying married.’ I never get into anything with a desire to fail.
One has to be ready mentally, physically, psychologically, emotionally and financially to be married. It is not only by ascertaining a certain age, as tradition will have us all believe.