The Single Guy Diary: Blue is the color, pain is the name

LOL, okay I don’t know how we ended up on this topic but I know it started with a discuss on an article about a girl seeking advice on how to deal with the two men in her life; her fiance and her sponsor. Somehow the discuss drifted from that to men and blue balls. Somehow, LOL.

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Not all relationship are built on sex or involve sex, especially in today’s society where sex is everywhere and in almost everything, it is admirable to see partners who agree to not partake in sex. Though mostly the “no sex” is always initiated by the woman, who in my opinion have more to lose in the relationship. I admire relationships like that and I always egg them on.

But if you do decide to abstain from sex, please also abstain from everything remotely related to sex and that includes to a large extent, hand holding. LOL, seriously!!

Lemme paint a picture with words, humor me for a second. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy and they start to date, on the first date the girl says,” I am not gonna have sex with you, if that is what you want.” Mind you, NO man ever stands up and leaves when those words are uttered, if anything he becomes more interested; you just challenged him, you have said you like him, maybe there is a chance you will like him enough to sleep with him. Second date: Guy takes girl to see a movie, the atmosphere is right and so is the mood, he puts his arms around girl’s shoulder, she draws closer to him. Guy runs his hand down girl’s arm and then up, no rebuke! Guy thinks, maybe she ain’t serious about the no sex thing. Movie ends, did I forget to mention they went to see 50 shades of Grey? Oh yeah they did.

They get home, guy draws girl in for a kiss, no resistance, he lowers her slowly to the bed, no resistance, his wandering hands traverse the supple expanse of her body, still no response. If anything girl seems to want more, guy becomes emboldened, moves hand to one mould, then the other, my people STILL NO BLOODY RESISTANCE!!!! Then after about a half hour of foreplay and guy fighting within himself whether to make the move or not, his marauding hands travel down to the rim of her jeans and all of a sudden the famous chorus resounds: “I thought we agreed not to have sex?!” And she says this with such innocence guy begins to question his sanity!

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Now it is not being riled up and let down that is hurts the most or having to feel like a chump, nope!! What hurts the most is that wicked pain brewing between the guy’s legs; where the object of his desire is located. If you have never suffered from blue balls, you do not know how lucky you are. I swear!!! It feels like you have got two cinder blocks hanging from your lower region, like someone is pulling all the veins from that area up from inside of you. Then you have to walk to your car but you have to be careful cos every step sends painful jolts up there. And all the while you are thinking; “What the heck did I just do to myself?!”

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Lemme tell you ladies something you may not know about blue balls, they often last more than a day, the pain just subsides on the second day but it is still there. The pain is especially worse when the guy has not had sex in a while. Yep blue balls suck!!

So when you say no sex, please remember to rebuke any form, act or art that will surely lead to sex and please ladies, a man with an erection is not thinking straight anymore, the blood has left his brain and is now working over time down yonder, so when he makes moves on you, please be his guide and rebuff him gently, do not lead him to believe he is about to get some only to have his milk come congregate in his nether region, never to come out! Blue balls can kill.

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Do not ask me why I am trying to have sex with you when you let me believe we were gonna, our bodies work differently. A woman will have an hour’s foreplay without sex and go home and change her undies, but if a guy tries that, he has to walk around for days feeling like he is airlifting two concrete cinder blocks between his legs.

So when your boyfriend starts to play “itchy fingers” just start singing: “No kissing baby, No touching baby.”

Till we meet again, my name’s Ary and I just want to make a not so common sense. LOL

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