The Single Guy Diary: Women are never the bad guys

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So earlier today I heard two guys discussing and they were talking about relationships and what would happen when a guy jilts a lady after months or years of dating only to go marry another after a while. These are usually the stories we Nigerians have become accustomed to but what piqued my interest was one of the guys disagreeing with the other who was of the opinion that the wronged woman could lay a curse on her said ex-lover for leaving her high and dry. The other disagreed because according to him, women were as much as guilty as men when it came to jilting lovers to marry another! I kinda agreed with him.

Lemme take you all back; down the memory lane. A couple of years back while I was still in the university, I was in my room when a friend of mine; we’ll call him Jimmy, walked in distraught and forlorn. His first words were “Skelo, Jane wan marry!!”, I was shocked because over time I had become the third wheel in that relationship. I knew how fond they were of each other, knew of their spoken dreams and whispered secrets, so it came as a shock that she was going to marry another guy.

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Women are as worse as men in relationships, never let anyone tell you differently. But because she has become so adept at playing the good guy, when relationships up end, it is ALWAYS the man who becomes the fall guy. Literally.

Lemme give you an example, say a guy has dated a girl for about four years and one day decides to marry another for whatever reason, the world would call him cynical, heartless  and a time waster. But if a woman walks out of long term relationship, she is hailed as a hero, encouraged for sticking up for herself and walking out of a relationship that was going nowhere!

And the funny part is the world often agrees with her as somehow the woman would make her breaking up with you, your decision. How?

It usually starts like this: “Dear, one guy wants to marry me oh! My parents have accepted him and are putting pressure on me to settle down. You know how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, so what do I do?”

LOL, you see how she has flipped the script?!  Now the guy will have to weigh his options and more often than not decides he ain’t ready to settle down yet and gives the girl his “blessings” and the girl walks away a hero, despite the fact that with or without your said blessing, he would have married the guy regardless.

The only difference between a man and a woman in this regard is that man is often tactless in his approach, often taking the the “tough love” approach, even this is not synonymous with men, women often do it too. Heard a story long ago of a girl who had her first class boyfriend write her carry-over exams while she went home to visit her “sick” mother, only for the hapless chap to be caught and rusticated and for news to emanate that there was no sick mother, the girl had gone for her traditional wedding.

I am not attacking the opposite sex and I am not saying men are innocent, I am just trying to question why women are never the bad guys when relationships go kaput! Many male hearts have been broken by women, but the world only seats up and listens when it is men who do the heart breaking.

Double standards?

The Single Guy Diary: 8 signs she has lost interest in you

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Has your girlfriend suddenly started acting differently around you? Have you been trying to understand her actions but just can’t seem to figure them out? Well, the reason she’s been acting differently may be because she is losing interest in you. If you see that your girlfriend exhibits any of the following warning signs, you have reason to be concerned.

1. She Puts Her Girlfriends Ahead Of You
All women are entitled to a girl’s night out here and there with their girlfriends, but if spending time with their girlfriends has begun to take priority over you and she consistently leaves you at home to frolick in nightclubs, she is definitely losing interest in you.
2. She Avoids Public Affection With You
If your girlfriend has allowed you to kiss her or hold her hand in public in the past Has your girlfriend suddenly started acting differently around you?
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3. She’s Lost Interest In s*x (With You)
If she has suddenly become bored by your performance in bed and you’re rarely hitting the sheets anymore, she may be wishing for someone else to rub her the right way.
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4. She Starts Fights With You Without Any Good Reason
If she has all of a sudden noticeably lowered her tolerance level for your little mistakes, constantly picks fights and turns every little thing into an argument or a disagreement, chances are her interest level has lowered and she is probably unhappy about the way your relationship is going.
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5. She Shows Interest In Other Guys
If you notice your girlfriend openly checking out other guys and flirting with other men while you’re right there beside her, it could be her way of sending you a subtle message that she’s shopping around for another man.
6. She’s Put Distance Between You
A woman who is in a happy relationship always makes time for her partner. So if all of a sudden you don’t see your girlfriend for a week or more and when she does answer your calls, she is busy and is always in a rush to get off the phone with you, something is definitely wrong. Take this as hint that she wants time apart to explore what it feels like to be away from you.
7. She’s No Longer Affectionate Toward You
If she just sits there and does nothing when you attempt to touch her and caress her or you’re always the one who initiates the hand holding or hugs first, a breakup may be impending.
 
8. She Begins Saying “I” Instead Of “We”
If you feel like your girlfriend hardly talks, doesn’t contribute much to the conversations you have and she starts to use “I” instead of “we” when talking about the future, this means that she does not see a future with you in it anymore.

The Single Guy Diary: LOL this guy just discovered relationship!

LOL just found this on Facebook and I must say it is hilarious and extremely cute.

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Enter a caption

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LOL

 

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This guy is perplexed

 

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He showed her who is boss. Hehehehe

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She is still winning

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I did not know that!

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He actually might not.

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Nothing like a good woman to change your perspective on life

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Awww, she is a keeper
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All you indomie eaters, you need to upgrade

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NOPE

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You can do that?!

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Sorry, Not Sorry: My Apology Addiction

This article was written by:

Actor, Author, Screenwriter, Director and Producer

Beyonce’s “Lemonade” was a massive cultural event for a lot of profound reasons, not least of which because it gave women a melody to which they could sing the words “Sorry, I ain’t sorry,” again and again (and again). This refrain immediately became the stuff of Instagram captions and yearbook quotes and screaming, drunken bachelorette parties: partially because it’s catchy as fuck, but also because it allowed women to express (safely, while pretending with all their might to be Bey) just how sick to death they were of apologizing.

Apologizing is a modern plague and I’d be willing to bet (though I have zero scientific research to back this up) that many women utter “I’m sorry” more on a given day than “Thank You” and “You’re Welcome” combined. So many of the women I know apologize like it’s a job they were given by the government (we’ll save the whys of that for a massive sociology text). We rush to say it when we’re interrupted. We scream it across a crowded restaurant when someone else arrives late so we’ve lost our table. We mutter it when a man walks too close to us on the street. As I write this, a Mister Softee truck is singing its grating tune right below my window and I want to run and apologize to the driver for how insane he’s making me.

I’m not sure when in my life “the sorries” began, but I can distinctly remember apologizing profusely to a girl who didn’t invite me to her birthday party in second grade, after she publicly handed invitations out to the whole class in front of me. Sorry for my tears. Sorry you had to be mean. Sorry I’m not the kind of person you’d want to attend a Sunday afternoon romp at the YMCA. Sorry.

But to quote Madonna “I’m not sorry (I’m not sorry)… I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me.” Because the fact is, a lot of the time when I say sorry it’s because I’m mad. Really mad. So mad that I’m afraid anything but sorry will cause me to explode and drip my hideous rage juice all over someone I’m simultaneously pissed at and trying to please. And so saying sorry serves as a sort of cork, making sure my emotions are contained and packaged neatly. Sorry is the wrapping paper AND the bow.

I say sorry all day, which doesn’t make sense considering I’m not a warlord, a drunk driver, or a pizza delivery guy speeding down 6th Avenue on a fixed gear bike scaring the shit out of pedestrians. I am a woman who is sometimes right, sometimes wrong but somehow always sorry. And this has never been more clear to me than in the six years since I became a boss. It’s hard for many of us to own our power, but as a 24-year-old woman (girl, gal, whatever I was) I felt an acute and dangerous mix of total confidence and the worst imposter syndrome imaginable. I had men more than twice my age for whom I was the final word on the set of “Girls,” and I had to express my needs and desires clearly to a slew of lawyers, agents and writers. And while my commitment to my work overrode almost any performance anxiety I had, it didn’t override my hardwired instinct to apologize. If I changed my mind, if someone disagreed with me, even if someone else misheard me or made a mistake… I was so, so sorry. “If you say sorry again, I’m going to lovingly murder you,” Jenni texted during a meeting. “I’m sorry,” I texted back.

It was actually my father who gave me the challenge: “What would happen if you spent this week NOT apologizing?” I was back at work after a health-related hiatus and I was feeling particularly vulnerable, aka sorry. “Doll, you’ve apologized to me 10 times in the last 10 minutes.” I told him it was even worse with my friends and a total parody at work, where I was sorry for having to pee. My father likes to counter my anxiety with love-based aggression: “Get it the fuck together!”

The next day I tried to accept his challenge. But what do you replace sorry with? Well for starters, you can replace it with an actual expression of your needs and desires. And it turns out when you express what you want (without a canned and insincere apology) everyone benefits. Your employees know what you want from them and can do their jobs with clarity and pride. The dynamic remains healthy and open. You feel 79% less shame (there’s 21% of human shame that’s just baseline and incurable, right!?)

Because it turns out saying sorry somehow makes you sorrier. In friendships, it creates tension and some odd drama where there wasn’t any. Think about it: if your friend is apologizing to you all day for a slight that you didn’t even register, then you start to wonder what she did! You start to wonder what you did! Everyone is confused! Let’s just trust that when our friends have something they need an apology for, they’ll be honest and clear, and when we really need to offer one, we’ll know it.

Mind you, I am not negating the power of a real apology, especially in the workplace. One of the most important things a person in charge can do is own their mistakes and apologize sincerely and specifically, in a way that shows their colleagues they have learned and they will do better (I’ll try, OK!?) But if most women I know — some bros too — were to keep an apology log, I bet they would find these sincere apologies are few and far between, and deeply diminished by the litany of reflex sorries they’re doling out all day.

I won’t say my father’s experiment cured me. After all, I’ve been apologizing profusely since 1989 — like pigs in blankets and reading celebrity gossip, it’s not a habit easily broken. But it illustrated a better way. Something to strive for. When I replaced apologies with more fully formed and honest sentiments, a world of communication possibilities opened up to me. I’m just sorry it took me so long.

The Single Guy Diary: You are addressed how you are dressed.

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By now we all know the story of Olajumoke Orisaguna the woman who went from hawking bread to modeling for different designers, appearing on magazine covers and getting endorsement deals. This article even though not related to her, was inspired by her.

A couple of years ago I had gone to visit a friend and when it was time to leave, she insisted on wearing a proper slipper instead of the usual bathroom slipper to see me off, because in her words, “You never know who is watching”. Then I thought it was a stupid thing to do, after all she was just seeing me to a place not up to a hundred feet from her home. Now that I am a bit older, I now fully understand her actions.

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The words: “You are addressed how you are dressed” has made even more sense ever since I moved to Abuja, where it seems that principle is in full effect. You notice that the way people talk to you, especially in offices, vary depending on how you are dressed. The way ladies respond to you depends again on how you are dressed.

Imagine if our accidental celebrity had worn rags out on that fateful day instead, maybe we would never have known who she was, and that picture of hers would have ended up in an unused negative on the floor of a studio somewhere.

We might feel the need not to put in so much work into our looks but the truth is we ought to, even if not for anyone else but ourselves. There is a self confidence that comes from the thought that one is looking their absolute best. Looking good cost money, that I know but I also know that one does not have to be expensively assembled to look good. I mean no one is going to ask you to show the name tag of your cloth to know from what design house it came from. Do the best with what you have; LOL given that some people’s best is nowhere near good, it is best I expatiate on that. Look around you, pick out the current trend, pick out one that works for you and try your best with what you have to emulate it.

Looking good helps you make a good first impression, it is how others judge you before they even say a word to you. Looking good is what gets you noticed, it is what attracts you to others.

I feel hypocritical writing this, cos I am one of those people who don’t really care about looks. I can throw on this and that to go get something across the street, my response to questions if I am going out like this is usually, “I wan go marry wife?” As I write this, I have a tiny split in my trouser that I have been planning to get sewn up since for like ever, maybe I am not one to be writing this! LOL.

The truth is you do not only have to look good when you are going to church, work or interviews, I know people who make up just to sit indoors. I know people who would not have a hair out of place just to go across the road to get a box of matches. It all depends on you; you do not know where your help will come from. After all, looking good is good business.

 

 

The Single Guy Diary:The death of man

Charly Boy’s article though not related sparked a series of thoughts that birthed another episode in my Single Guy series.

Maybe it is just me but has anyone noticed how it seems the world is turning on its head; up is now down, down is now up, men now have p*ssies and women now have d*cks!! (FYI I have nothing against transgender persons, I am just trying to adjust to that reality)

I never lived in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s but I reckon life was a whole lot better and more straight-forward than it is now, men then had role models such as James Bond, Flint, James Dean, Marlon Brando and John Wayne. All these guys were men’s men, men who epitomized all there was to being a man; good looks with grit and not afraid to get their hands dirty. They were ladies men who knew how to handle themselves around these women and how to handle every situation around said women. And women swoon every time they passed cos they exuded that special something.

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Today has seen the rise of the ‘feminists’, women who want to be equal to men in all spheres of life, who teach their baby boys it is okay to be a sissy, just so he can please a woman. Who teach their baby boys that is okay to carry your woman’s bag while she struts her stuff; I know a lot of people are going to think me insensitive and unromantic for this part but understand that there is a difference between doing something because you care and doing something because it is a duty.

Today’s man is often bearded, chiseled and can neither change a tire or drive a stick, today’s man does not know what to do with a strong opinionated woman. Today’s man cares more about how they look and not how much they earn. Today’s man takes more selfies than a teenage girl and even pouts doing it! Today’s man comes to the social media to vent about his marital problems or report marital abuse!! Today’s man is a sissy, simply put.less of a man

Men in times past knew their place in the world and recognized their roles and played them to perfection; the society was sane then, which is why marriages lasted longer and relationships made more sense. There is a reason why there are rules, regulations and culture in every society, because they help structure the society by formulating a pattern or a recognized standard of procedure. But like I said earlier, sometime in the last couple decades the world had a crash with reformists and ended up on its head and now effeminate men are gradually taking the place of the man’s man.

Somewhere along the line while men were having empathy towards women drummed into their ears, they started to turn to women! Men are providers, protectors, figure heads, kings, knights in shining armors, not princesses locked up in castles up on high waiting to be rescued.

Love your woman, take care of her, fend for her, make her feel like she can do no wrong and worship the ground she works on but if she steps out of line put her in her place! I did not say hit her, that does not make you a man, it makes you an idiot, there are ways to do that, be firm, be sure, be cocky, let her know who the alpha is. Do not come to the social media and b*tch about it!!

All fingers are not equal, so it is no surprise that there are house husbands and there are women who make more than their spouses, so what do these men do when they feel emasculated? Go out into the world and try to make something of yourself, it might not be much but your woman (a good woman) will appreciate you being a man about your situation. B*tching about it will not help you! Venting on the social media will not help you.

If you feel emasculated in a relationship, then you have two options; better your circumstance or leave the relationship, YOU NO GO DIE!!!

If you are comfortable living off a woman, please continue to be comfortable when she starts to treat you like the help. Do not expect her to go cook for you after spending all day at work, while you were busy doing nothing.

Have you noticed that most of domestic violence is always a direct result of insecurities on the part of the man? Men who cannot control their emotions, men who have not cajones! Not man enough. I can remember as a kid when my mom would nag and bicker at my dad, who all he wanted to do after a long day’s work, was sit back, relax and watch the TV, the poor man would look at me and say: “Nna, when the food is ready please come and get me” and with he would disappear into his room. But today’s man would smack his wife upside her head or get into a war of words with her.

I shudder at the thought that a time will come when a guy and a girl are at a gunpoint and the guy does more crying than the girl who is calmly sorting the situation. Women let your men be men, if he has no job, encourage him to go look for one, if he earns considerably lower than you do, set him up or help him facilitate a loan. Stop paying the school fees and house rent all on your own, you are a ‘help mate’ not a provider. Encourage your men to be better not lazy. Help your man but know your limit before you completely neuter him.