The Single Guy Diary: The circle

I found this on Facebook and for so many reasons, it just moved me and I felt I should share it as it was posted by Mbonu Gerald.

The most difficult time to be in a relationship as a guy is in your early twenties. The period when you are stuck in a limbo, trying to figure out yourself and who you want to be.
At this age, you find it a herculean task asking money from your parents, considering your dad will always remind you of how he was self sufficient at your age.
So you are always left with “Nkechiyere” anyone that comes from them willingly.

To compound your “woes”. You have a girlfriend whom you love so muchh, you are 24 and she is 23.
And guys being wired to want to take control, you are frustrated at your inability to take care of her like you want to.
I mean where is the money??
You are still jobless, still hustling, still finding your feet.
Still putting hands into many things hoping “oluwa” smiles on you.

All of a sudden, she starts acting out and showing attitude.
You call, and she takes forever to pick or return your calls.
When she finally does pick, the call is like an interview session with those annoying and frustrating one word replies.
Yes, no, fine, okay, nothing.

Then finally she ends the call with a flimsy excuse like ” wait let me close the fridge”, i will call you back. And the call never comes back.

Then one day she calls you and asks you “where is this relationship heading to?.
You don’t even know where your own life is heading to, not to talk of a relationship.

Then she drops the bombshell. Tells you that she met a guy who wants to marry her.
And how age isn’t on her side, and you are almost compelled to scream “But you are just 23”. Can’t you wait 3 more years let me make it.

You just hold yourself and play the good guy.
You ask her if she loves him, she dodges the question and replies you with “He treats me well”.

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Well since she wasn’t informing you to take permission, she was simply telling you.
You have to be the cool guy and wish her well.
One week later, she gives you the traditional wedding card. And then you do the math yourself.
She was talking to the guy a long time before now.

Then you realise that for every “K” you got on WhatsApp, the guy was getting a long epistle.
You have been played.

Worse is you can’t even blame her, you are just a prospect who no one knows what will become of your life in 4 years time.
Would you have made it or not?
She has gone for the real deal, someone who has already made it.
In footballing terms, you are a “Anthony Martial” ( prospect) while the guy is a Messi ( has made it already).
I mean you were sending her cards of N200, and the guy was telling her to manage 10k for the weekend.
No comparison there.

And then you go through that silent heartbreak guys go through, the ones they don’t talk about.
And unceremoniously you get inducted into the special hall of fame where members are young guys whose childhood loves and friends or girlfriends they thought they would end up with left them to marry someone else.
Your heart is broken into smithereens.

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In this hall of fame, you are all victims. Victims of not having found your path in your early twenties.

At the wedding, no sight is more heartbreaking than seeing “the love of your life” say “I do” to this guy she just met 6 months ago.
To make matters worse, you get an alert from Diamond bank telling you how N13 have been deducted for bank charges. You are mad.
Your N4000, is down to N 3987 rendering that N 1k useless, you can only withdraw N3k now.
And that’s your home and abroad.

Can life be more unfair at this moment?

To make matters worse, she tells you that she wants you to be the godfather to her first son.
You are livid, the plan you both made was to be the father, god wasn’t there. Why are you involving god now.
godfather huh???.. is that a sort of compensation package?

You chin it up, suck it, move on and double your hustle.

6 years later. You are 30 now. Congratulations, you finally made it. You are as rich as you hoped you will become.
You are one of the happening guys in town.
You go to a wedding. With your friends, the men on suit. Those guys that just intimidate everyone in the hall.
You are seated scouting the hall, and the bridal train passes by.

Of course, bridal train and ashoebi ladies always show themselves. That’s part of the job description. Sampling.
And you spot one, she is beautiful, elegant and tall.
You walk up to her, chat her up. Exchange numbers and you leave.

She is 24, ripe for marriage.
Three months later, you are sounding marriage to her ears. She loves how it sounds.
You are on chat with her always.

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And somewhere else, a 25 years old boy still finding his way is wondering why the girlfriend is becoming distant these days.
Why is he getting those one worded replies which is unlike her.
Why do there chats seem more like interview.

And fast fast, you have proposed and simultaneously she is asking the 25 years old boy that question of
“Where is this relationship going to”.

And then you marry her, and somewhere a boy gets heart broken.

You see we are always going to do this to ourselves.

 

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The Single Guy Diary: Blue is the color, pain is the name

LOL, okay I don’t know how we ended up on this topic but I know it started with a discuss on an article about a girl seeking advice on how to deal with the two men in her life; her fiance and her sponsor. Somehow the discuss drifted from that to men and blue balls. Somehow, LOL.

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Not all relationship are built on sex or involve sex, especially in today’s society where sex is everywhere and in almost everything, it is admirable to see partners who agree to not partake in sex. Though mostly the “no sex” is always initiated by the woman, who in my opinion have more to lose in the relationship. I admire relationships like that and I always egg them on.

But if you do decide to abstain from sex, please also abstain from everything remotely related to sex and that includes to a large extent, hand holding. LOL, seriously!!

Lemme paint a picture with words, humor me for a second. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy and they start to date, on the first date the girl says,” I am not gonna have sex with you, if that is what you want.” Mind you, NO man ever stands up and leaves when those words are uttered, if anything he becomes more interested; you just challenged him, you have said you like him, maybe there is a chance you will like him enough to sleep with him. Second date: Guy takes girl to see a movie, the atmosphere is right and so is the mood, he puts his arms around girl’s shoulder, she draws closer to him. Guy runs his hand down girl’s arm and then up, no rebuke! Guy thinks, maybe she ain’t serious about the no sex thing. Movie ends, did I forget to mention they went to see 50 shades of Grey? Oh yeah they did.

They get home, guy draws girl in for a kiss, no resistance, he lowers her slowly to the bed, no resistance, his wandering hands traverse the supple expanse of her body, still no response. If anything girl seems to want more, guy becomes emboldened, moves hand to one mould, then the other, my people STILL NO BLOODY RESISTANCE!!!! Then after about a half hour of foreplay and guy fighting within himself whether to make the move or not, his marauding hands travel down to the rim of her jeans and all of a sudden the famous chorus resounds: “I thought we agreed not to have sex?!” And she says this with such innocence guy begins to question his sanity!

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Now it is not being riled up and let down that is hurts the most or having to feel like a chump, nope!! What hurts the most is that wicked pain brewing between the guy’s legs; where the object of his desire is located. If you have never suffered from blue balls, you do not know how lucky you are. I swear!!! It feels like you have got two cinder blocks hanging from your lower region, like someone is pulling all the veins from that area up from inside of you. Then you have to walk to your car but you have to be careful cos every step sends painful jolts up there. And all the while you are thinking; “What the heck did I just do to myself?!”

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Lemme tell you ladies something you may not know about blue balls, they often last more than a day, the pain just subsides on the second day but it is still there. The pain is especially worse when the guy has not had sex in a while. Yep blue balls suck!!

So when you say no sex, please remember to rebuke any form, act or art that will surely lead to sex and please ladies, a man with an erection is not thinking straight anymore, the blood has left his brain and is now working over time down yonder, so when he makes moves on you, please be his guide and rebuff him gently, do not lead him to believe he is about to get some only to have his milk come congregate in his nether region, never to come out! Blue balls can kill.

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Do not ask me why I am trying to have sex with you when you let me believe we were gonna, our bodies work differently. A woman will have an hour’s foreplay without sex and go home and change her undies, but if a guy tries that, he has to walk around for days feeling like he is airlifting two concrete cinder blocks between his legs.

So when your boyfriend starts to play “itchy fingers” just start singing: “No kissing baby, No touching baby.”

Till we meet again, my name’s Ary and I just want to make a not so common sense. LOL

The Single Guy Diary: Women are never the bad guys

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So earlier today I heard two guys discussing and they were talking about relationships and what would happen when a guy jilts a lady after months or years of dating only to go marry another after a while. These are usually the stories we Nigerians have become accustomed to but what piqued my interest was one of the guys disagreeing with the other who was of the opinion that the wronged woman could lay a curse on her said ex-lover for leaving her high and dry. The other disagreed because according to him, women were as much as guilty as men when it came to jilting lovers to marry another! I kinda agreed with him.

Lemme take you all back; down the memory lane. A couple of years back while I was still in the university, I was in my room when a friend of mine; we’ll call him Jimmy, walked in distraught and forlorn. His first words were “Skelo, Jane wan marry!!”, I was shocked because over time I had become the third wheel in that relationship. I knew how fond they were of each other, knew of their spoken dreams and whispered secrets, so it came as a shock that she was going to marry another guy.

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Women are as worse as men in relationships, never let anyone tell you differently. But because she has become so adept at playing the good guy, when relationships up end, it is ALWAYS the man who becomes the fall guy. Literally.

Lemme give you an example, say a guy has dated a girl for about four years and one day decides to marry another for whatever reason, the world would call him cynical, heartless  and a time waster. But if a woman walks out of long term relationship, she is hailed as a hero, encouraged for sticking up for herself and walking out of a relationship that was going nowhere!

And the funny part is the world often agrees with her as somehow the woman would make her breaking up with you, your decision. How?

It usually starts like this: “Dear, one guy wants to marry me oh! My parents have accepted him and are putting pressure on me to settle down. You know how much I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you, so what do I do?”

LOL, you see how she has flipped the script?!  Now the guy will have to weigh his options and more often than not decides he ain’t ready to settle down yet and gives the girl his “blessings” and the girl walks away a hero, despite the fact that with or without your said blessing, he would have married the guy regardless.

The only difference between a man and a woman in this regard is that man is often tactless in his approach, often taking the the “tough love” approach, even this is not synonymous with men, women often do it too. Heard a story long ago of a girl who had her first class boyfriend write her carry-over exams while she went home to visit her “sick” mother, only for the hapless chap to be caught and rusticated and for news to emanate that there was no sick mother, the girl had gone for her traditional wedding.

I am not attacking the opposite sex and I am not saying men are innocent, I am just trying to question why women are never the bad guys when relationships go kaput! Many male hearts have been broken by women, but the world only seats up and listens when it is men who do the heart breaking.

Double standards?

The Single Guy Diary: 8 signs she has lost interest in you

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Has your girlfriend suddenly started acting differently around you? Have you been trying to understand her actions but just can’t seem to figure them out? Well, the reason she’s been acting differently may be because she is losing interest in you. If you see that your girlfriend exhibits any of the following warning signs, you have reason to be concerned.

1. She Puts Her Girlfriends Ahead Of You
All women are entitled to a girl’s night out here and there with their girlfriends, but if spending time with their girlfriends has begun to take priority over you and she consistently leaves you at home to frolick in nightclubs, she is definitely losing interest in you.
2. She Avoids Public Affection With You
If your girlfriend has allowed you to kiss her or hold her hand in public in the past Has your girlfriend suddenly started acting differently around you?
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3. She’s Lost Interest In s*x (With You)
If she has suddenly become bored by your performance in bed and you’re rarely hitting the sheets anymore, she may be wishing for someone else to rub her the right way.
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4. She Starts Fights With You Without Any Good Reason
If she has all of a sudden noticeably lowered her tolerance level for your little mistakes, constantly picks fights and turns every little thing into an argument or a disagreement, chances are her interest level has lowered and she is probably unhappy about the way your relationship is going.
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5. She Shows Interest In Other Guys
If you notice your girlfriend openly checking out other guys and flirting with other men while you’re right there beside her, it could be her way of sending you a subtle message that she’s shopping around for another man.
6. She’s Put Distance Between You
A woman who is in a happy relationship always makes time for her partner. So if all of a sudden you don’t see your girlfriend for a week or more and when she does answer your calls, she is busy and is always in a rush to get off the phone with you, something is definitely wrong. Take this as hint that she wants time apart to explore what it feels like to be away from you.
7. She’s No Longer Affectionate Toward You
If she just sits there and does nothing when you attempt to touch her and caress her or you’re always the one who initiates the hand holding or hugs first, a breakup may be impending.
 
8. She Begins Saying “I” Instead Of “We”
If you feel like your girlfriend hardly talks, doesn’t contribute much to the conversations you have and she starts to use “I” instead of “we” when talking about the future, this means that she does not see a future with you in it anymore.

The Single Guy Diary: LOL this guy just discovered relationship!

LOL just found this on Facebook and I must say it is hilarious and extremely cute.

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Enter a caption

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LOL

 

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This guy is perplexed

 

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He showed her who is boss. Hehehehe

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She is still winning

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I did not know that!

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He actually might not.

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Nothing like a good woman to change your perspective on life

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Awww, she is a keeper
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All you indomie eaters, you need to upgrade

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NOPE

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You can do that?!

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Sorry, Not Sorry: My Apology Addiction

This article was written by:

Actor, Author, Screenwriter, Director and Producer

Beyonce’s “Lemonade” was a massive cultural event for a lot of profound reasons, not least of which because it gave women a melody to which they could sing the words “Sorry, I ain’t sorry,” again and again (and again). This refrain immediately became the stuff of Instagram captions and yearbook quotes and screaming, drunken bachelorette parties: partially because it’s catchy as fuck, but also because it allowed women to express (safely, while pretending with all their might to be Bey) just how sick to death they were of apologizing.

Apologizing is a modern plague and I’d be willing to bet (though I have zero scientific research to back this up) that many women utter “I’m sorry” more on a given day than “Thank You” and “You’re Welcome” combined. So many of the women I know apologize like it’s a job they were given by the government (we’ll save the whys of that for a massive sociology text). We rush to say it when we’re interrupted. We scream it across a crowded restaurant when someone else arrives late so we’ve lost our table. We mutter it when a man walks too close to us on the street. As I write this, a Mister Softee truck is singing its grating tune right below my window and I want to run and apologize to the driver for how insane he’s making me.

I’m not sure when in my life “the sorries” began, but I can distinctly remember apologizing profusely to a girl who didn’t invite me to her birthday party in second grade, after she publicly handed invitations out to the whole class in front of me. Sorry for my tears. Sorry you had to be mean. Sorry I’m not the kind of person you’d want to attend a Sunday afternoon romp at the YMCA. Sorry.

But to quote Madonna “I’m not sorry (I’m not sorry)… I’m not your bitch don’t hang your shit on me.” Because the fact is, a lot of the time when I say sorry it’s because I’m mad. Really mad. So mad that I’m afraid anything but sorry will cause me to explode and drip my hideous rage juice all over someone I’m simultaneously pissed at and trying to please. And so saying sorry serves as a sort of cork, making sure my emotions are contained and packaged neatly. Sorry is the wrapping paper AND the bow.

I say sorry all day, which doesn’t make sense considering I’m not a warlord, a drunk driver, or a pizza delivery guy speeding down 6th Avenue on a fixed gear bike scaring the shit out of pedestrians. I am a woman who is sometimes right, sometimes wrong but somehow always sorry. And this has never been more clear to me than in the six years since I became a boss. It’s hard for many of us to own our power, but as a 24-year-old woman (girl, gal, whatever I was) I felt an acute and dangerous mix of total confidence and the worst imposter syndrome imaginable. I had men more than twice my age for whom I was the final word on the set of “Girls,” and I had to express my needs and desires clearly to a slew of lawyers, agents and writers. And while my commitment to my work overrode almost any performance anxiety I had, it didn’t override my hardwired instinct to apologize. If I changed my mind, if someone disagreed with me, even if someone else misheard me or made a mistake… I was so, so sorry. “If you say sorry again, I’m going to lovingly murder you,” Jenni texted during a meeting. “I’m sorry,” I texted back.

It was actually my father who gave me the challenge: “What would happen if you spent this week NOT apologizing?” I was back at work after a health-related hiatus and I was feeling particularly vulnerable, aka sorry. “Doll, you’ve apologized to me 10 times in the last 10 minutes.” I told him it was even worse with my friends and a total parody at work, where I was sorry for having to pee. My father likes to counter my anxiety with love-based aggression: “Get it the fuck together!”

The next day I tried to accept his challenge. But what do you replace sorry with? Well for starters, you can replace it with an actual expression of your needs and desires. And it turns out when you express what you want (without a canned and insincere apology) everyone benefits. Your employees know what you want from them and can do their jobs with clarity and pride. The dynamic remains healthy and open. You feel 79% less shame (there’s 21% of human shame that’s just baseline and incurable, right!?)

Because it turns out saying sorry somehow makes you sorrier. In friendships, it creates tension and some odd drama where there wasn’t any. Think about it: if your friend is apologizing to you all day for a slight that you didn’t even register, then you start to wonder what she did! You start to wonder what you did! Everyone is confused! Let’s just trust that when our friends have something they need an apology for, they’ll be honest and clear, and when we really need to offer one, we’ll know it.

Mind you, I am not negating the power of a real apology, especially in the workplace. One of the most important things a person in charge can do is own their mistakes and apologize sincerely and specifically, in a way that shows their colleagues they have learned and they will do better (I’ll try, OK!?) But if most women I know — some bros too — were to keep an apology log, I bet they would find these sincere apologies are few and far between, and deeply diminished by the litany of reflex sorries they’re doling out all day.

I won’t say my father’s experiment cured me. After all, I’ve been apologizing profusely since 1989 — like pigs in blankets and reading celebrity gossip, it’s not a habit easily broken. But it illustrated a better way. Something to strive for. When I replaced apologies with more fully formed and honest sentiments, a world of communication possibilities opened up to me. I’m just sorry it took me so long.

The Single Guy Diary: You are addressed how you are dressed.

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By now we all know the story of Olajumoke Orisaguna the woman who went from hawking bread to modeling for different designers, appearing on magazine covers and getting endorsement deals. This article even though not related to her, was inspired by her.

A couple of years ago I had gone to visit a friend and when it was time to leave, she insisted on wearing a proper slipper instead of the usual bathroom slipper to see me off, because in her words, “You never know who is watching”. Then I thought it was a stupid thing to do, after all she was just seeing me to a place not up to a hundred feet from her home. Now that I am a bit older, I now fully understand her actions.

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The words: “You are addressed how you are dressed” has made even more sense ever since I moved to Abuja, where it seems that principle is in full effect. You notice that the way people talk to you, especially in offices, vary depending on how you are dressed. The way ladies respond to you depends again on how you are dressed.

Imagine if our accidental celebrity had worn rags out on that fateful day instead, maybe we would never have known who she was, and that picture of hers would have ended up in an unused negative on the floor of a studio somewhere.

We might feel the need not to put in so much work into our looks but the truth is we ought to, even if not for anyone else but ourselves. There is a self confidence that comes from the thought that one is looking their absolute best. Looking good cost money, that I know but I also know that one does not have to be expensively assembled to look good. I mean no one is going to ask you to show the name tag of your cloth to know from what design house it came from. Do the best with what you have; LOL given that some people’s best is nowhere near good, it is best I expatiate on that. Look around you, pick out the current trend, pick out one that works for you and try your best with what you have to emulate it.

Looking good helps you make a good first impression, it is how others judge you before they even say a word to you. Looking good is what gets you noticed, it is what attracts you to others.

I feel hypocritical writing this, cos I am one of those people who don’t really care about looks. I can throw on this and that to go get something across the street, my response to questions if I am going out like this is usually, “I wan go marry wife?” As I write this, I have a tiny split in my trouser that I have been planning to get sewn up since for like ever, maybe I am not one to be writing this! LOL.

The truth is you do not only have to look good when you are going to church, work or interviews, I know people who make up just to sit indoors. I know people who would not have a hair out of place just to go across the road to get a box of matches. It all depends on you; you do not know where your help will come from. After all, looking good is good business.