At first when I heard that Sister Osinachi had died, the first thought that came to mind was, that wasn’t supposed to happen, evangelist don’t just die, just like doctors aren’t supposed to (sorry, I still think that way).
Then news started to tickle down that she had been a victim of domestic violence and that just pushed me over the edge, a whirlwind of angry thoughts swirled around in my head; at the end of my anger? The church.
So why was I angry at the church? Well as most of you know, Sister Osinachi was a renowned gospel singer, most popular for lending her Angelic voice to the hit song “Ekwueme”. As a gospel singer, she must have been deep rooted in the church and its dealings and must have had one on one contacts with the powers-that-be. She must have complained to or at least talked about what she was going through in her marriage with someone at the church, so why was nothing done to rescue this woman from a violent marriage?! Why did none of the clairvoyant, anointed prophets foresee her death and talk her out of her ailing marriage? She died at 42 and had four children, so I want to think the domestic violence had been going on for years! So while she was regaling the world with her beautiful voice, she was suffering in her marital home.
What would people say?
This simple, yet complex question has kept millions teetered to a bad situation because they are wary of how the world react to their situation.
The social media has made the world a small village, one little status or tweet could go viral in a second reaching millions all over the world; millions of people with varying degrees of opinion on same issue. A lot of people milk the attention and limelight, others shirk from it, in the end we often fall victim to it.
People so often post pictures of their perfect marriages and relationships and become reluctant to leave when it all comes crashing down, because after weeks; months of flaunting their “perfect” marriage on the “Gram“, “the pepper dem gang” do not want to become laughing stocks and so they ride out the violence and disrespect even if it means death or disease.
What would people say when a “renowned gospel singer is revealed to be a divorcee, would her opinion matter anymore when she talks about relationships and matrimony? Would people take her seriously anymore, would she be able to inspire?! She could become the butt of cruel jokes, the target of dirty looks, the anointed singer who could not save her marriage! So if this was her thinking?
Why didn’t anyone tell her otherwise?
I think I know why and it has a lot to do with the questions I raised above and some more. I am certain someone must her told “Sister pray for God to change your husband’s mind.”, I am also sure someone had told her, “What would the congregation think when they hear a divorcee is on the pulpit?!” some might even have added, “think of the children.” But I am almost certain no one said, “It is time to leave that man, take your children and go.”, if I am wrong correct me.
You know why I hated the movie War Room?! For the singular reason that it tried to portray prayer as the ammunition open to Christian women! Look as religious as I am, I am a firm believer in doing what is right, even if it goes against your religion. If you haven’t seen War Room, maybe you should see it, you might have a different opinion to mine but when a man/woman disrespect you not once but twice even after talking to them, do the needful and leave that marriage. Marriage is not an achievement, it is an accomplishment, you don’t have to feel sad that yours ended, be happy you are alive and well to try again.
A couple of years ago, I watched a video of Chigurl speaking through tears about how her mom had cajoled to stick to a bad marriage and how she nursed some anger and resentment towards her mom. And she is not alone in this, a lot of African parents would rather their wards stick to a bad marriage than leave it because they do not want to field questions or judging looks from people they know or even worse, they do not want to lose the many perks that come from their wards being married to the other person. It is most surprising that mothers are often at the forefront of this. They say things like, “You father cheated on me with several women but I prayed and endured it like a good wife. The problem with your generation is, one little thing you want to pack up and leave your marriage”. Isn’t that just great?! So you don’t want your daughter to have a better marriage than yours? When did enduring disrespect and domestic violence become a virtue? “Your father used to beat me, I prayed and fasted and pretty soon, he stopped.”, well lemme pray and fast from a safe distance before I become a victim of a sorry man. I say.
God can not change a person who does not want to change, that is what I believe! If you are praying for your husband to stop cheating, if he doesn’t intend to stop, you cannot make him and that goes for domestic violence too! Whilst you pray, take every necessary precaution and above all, talk to them about it, if that don’t work, talk to other people he listens to, if that don’t work, move out of your house, away from him, away from the violence.
When you die, the world does not stop even for a moment, forget that lie movies and songs tell us. When you die, someone is being birthed, someone is being impregnated, someone is buying a house, someone is losing money. Even your family begin to fill the void you left. They just don’t stop, they find a way around you.
Children
They will be fine, he is their father but if you feel they would not be safe in his care, involve the court, your families and probably friends. If you are Igbo, involve your umunna and umuada, I am sure other tribes have a communal body that performs like-function as the aforementioned.
Be selfish about your survival. You can only fight for your kids with breath in your lungs. When you die, what would happen would happen, regardless. So think about you first!
The Church
There is no entity as powerful as religion in Africa, no other entity that moulds opinion and shapes minds more powerfully than religion. It has been the way since time immemorial even though its powers are thinning in developed countries, it has developing and under-developing countries in a chokehold and as such should play an active role in the betterment and advancement of its people.
There are about a million churches in Nigeria alone, aside from building big edifices and fleecing its congregants, these units has to play an active role in providing marital counselling to its members. When a person reports domestic violence of any kind, they should do EVERYTHING in their power to ameliorate the situation and if that does not work, they should not think twice about involving the police.
Churches should also educate its members that divorce is an option, no one should have to die because “what God has put together, let no man put asunder”, no! No one should die, even God wouldn’t want that! Matthew 19:9 specifically states that infidelity is grounds for divorce, why isn’t that preached in churches?! Exodus 21:10-11 states that a man should let a woman go if he cannot treat her properly. So divorce is permissible by the bible. You as a church have not failed because a couple you wedded are seeking a divorce, you haven’t failed as a pastor or priest.
The Police
They say police is your friend but I beg to differ! There has been cases of the police throwing out cases of domestic violence because it is a issue between man and wife and should be settled at home. “Common small beating you don run come police. You women, una mouth too sharp, I sure say you don talk something wey vex oga” I mean what has that got to do with anything?! She has a bloody black eye!!
The police should take domestic violence more seriously, if the repercussion for DV is severe, more people would shirk from it. The police shouldn’t wait till there is a death to take action.
The death of Mrs. Osinachi Nwachukwu could have been prevented if the people around her had pushed her more to leave a failed marriage. Her death could have been prevented if she has summoned the courage to leave an evil man and a dying marriage. She might be alive today nursing scars of past brutality, if the world had told her it was okay to love God and be a divorcee, that is was okay to have a failed marriage and still sing about the good things God has done in her life. Sister Sinach would have been alive today if she was sure the world wouldn’t judge her.
Domestic violence of any kind is bad, some marriages are unsalvageable, know when to leave. Praying is good but know when to take action, because prayer is the foundation of hard work thus prayer without work is null and void.
Divorce
Easier said than done, I say just do it. Violence may start with harsh words, then a slap followed by a solemn apology; if any, then a punch and a kick and then mortuary. Truth is, no woman thinks she is going to die, many think they will survive it; soldier through the blows, unfortunately, more often than not it is not true. One blind kick and you are lying cold and in moving.
To leave a bad marriage, what a woman needs is support not just from the church but her family and friends but a church’s role here should be VERY prominent, as one of the major fears of these women is monetary. If women knew they would get monetary and emotional support when they leave a bad marriage, many homes would be shy a wife/a mother. Unfortunately this is not an option many have access to.
ARY'S DIARY 